Do you have a voice in your head that berates you every time you make a mistake?
"Oh come on.. you should know this by now?"
"How come you are always the one who is late?"
"You don’t belong here."
"You’ll never be able to do that?"
"You’ll never be as good as they are."
You may have come to value this voice and see it as a way to motivate you to be better and work harder. But is there a cost to this constant internal criticism?
With self criticism we are both the attacker and the attacked.
According to Paul Gilbert who created compassion focused therapy (CFT) when we criticise ourselves, we are triggering our body’s threat-defence system. Feeling threatened puts stress on our mind and body, and chronic stress can cause anxiety and depression which is why habitual self-criticism is so bad for our emotional and physical well being. Triggering of the threat defence system can also affect our brains - Our Functional IQ is also significantly reduced when we are stressed.
In a calm state- IQ = 100-120
In an alert state- IQ = 90-110
In an alarmed state- IQ= 80-100
In a fearful state - IQ= 70-90
In a state of terror - IQ = 60-80
(Perry, B.D. and Winfrey, O. (2021) What happened to you?: Conversations on trauma, resilience, and healing. New York, NY: Macmillan Audio. )
For more about how the brain and body are affected by the fear system being triggered read the article about managing anxiety.
Overcoming Your Inner Critic with Self-Compassion
We all have that critical voice in our heads—the one that tells us we’re not good enough, smart enough, or successful enough. This inner critic can be relentless, feeding us negative thoughts that undermine our confidence and well-being. Over time, constant criticism and triggering of the fear system can lead to feelings of anxiety, depression, and unworthiness. But what if there was a way to quiet that voice and replace it with something kinder, more supportive? This is where self-compassion comes in.
Understanding the Inner Critic
The inner critic is often rooted in our desire to protect ourselves from failure, rejection, or disappointment. It’s a survival mechanism that evolved to help us avoid making mistakes that could threaten our social standing or safety. However, in today’s world, this critical voice often does more harm than good. Instead of motivating us, it can paralyze us with fear and self-doubt, preventing us from taking risks, pursuing our goals, or even enjoying our lives.
The inner critic tends to be harsh, judgmental, and unforgiving. It thrives on comparison, constantly measuring our worth against others and finding us lacking. This negative self-talk can become a habit, a default mode of thinking that is hard to break. But it’s important to remember that this voice is not the truth; it’s just a part of our mind that has become overactive and unbalanced.
The Power of Self-Compassion
Self-compassion offers a powerful antidote to the inner critic. Unlike self-esteem, which is often conditional and based on external achievements, self-compassion is about accepting ourselves as we are, flaws and all. It involves treating ourselves with the same kindness, care, and understanding that we would offer to a close friend.
Kristin Neff, a leading researcher in the field, breaks self-compassion down into three key components:
1. Self-Kindness: This means being gentle with ourselves when we face setbacks or failures, rather than being harsh and judgmental. It’s about recognizing that we’re human, and making mistakes is part of the learning process.
2. Common Humanity: This involves acknowledging that suffering and imperfection are part of the shared human experience. We all struggle, and we’re not alone in our challenges.
3. Mindfulness: Mindfulness involves being aware of our thoughts and feelings without over-identifying with them or getting swept away by them. It’s about observing our inner critic with curiosity rather than judgment.
How to Use Self-Compassion to Overcome the Inner Critic
1. Recognize the Inner Critic: The first step in overcoming your inner critic is to become aware of it. Notice when that critical voice starts to speak and pay attention to what it’s saying. Is it telling you that you’re not good enough? That you’ll never succeed? Simply recognizing these thoughts as the voice of your inner critic, rather than objective truth, is a powerful step.
2. Respond with Self-Kindness: Once you’ve recognized the inner critic, respond with self-kindness. Instead of beating yourself up, offer yourself words of encouragement and understanding. For example, if your inner critic says, “You’re a failure,” respond by saying, “I’m doing my best, and it’s okay to make mistakes.” Imagine what you would say to a friend in a similar situation and say that to yourself.
3. Practice Common Humanity: Remind yourself that everyone struggles and experiences self-doubt at times. You are not alone in feeling this way. By acknowledging that imperfection is part of the human experience, you can reduce the sense of isolation and shame that the inner critic often brings.
4. Be Mindful of Your Thoughts: Practice mindfulness by observing your thoughts and feelings without getting caught up in them. Notice when the inner critic speaks, but don’t engage with it. Instead, gently bring your attention back to the present moment. Mindfulness helps you create space between yourself and your inner critic, making it easier to choose a compassionate response.
5. Reframe Negative Thoughts: Challenge the negative messages from your inner critic by reframing them in a more compassionate light. For example, if you think, “I’ll never be good at this,” try reframing it as, “I’m learning and improving every day, and that’s what matters.”
The Benefits of Self-Compassion
By practicing self-compassion, you can gradually weaken the power of your inner critic. Over time, you’ll find that you’re more resilient, less anxious, and more motivated to pursue your goals. Self-compassion helps you build a healthier relationship with yourself, one that is based on acceptance and love rather than criticism and fear.
(Neff, K. and Germer, C.K. (2018) The mindful self-compassion workbook: A proven way to accept yourself, build inner strength, and thrive. New York: The Guilford Press. )
In conclusion, overcoming your inner critic with self-compassion is a journey, not a quick fix. It takes practice and patience, but the rewards are profound. By treating yourself with kindness and understanding, you can quiet that critical voice and create a more supportive, nurturing inner dialogue. This shift can lead to greater emotional well-being, more fulfilling relationships, and a life that is truly your own.
As a therapist I can work with you and help you to learn new ways of motivating yourself that don't involve harsh criticism and avoid triggering your bodies threat defence system. Befriending your inner critic and using more compassionate methods to motivate yourself can be life changing.
You can book your free initial assessment and consultation to start your journey towards taming your inner critic.
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